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March 25th, 2009
03:11 pm - Spiritual Learning and Economic Dreams
I am writing another paper last minute and am (again) motivated to write a journal entry instead. They are so much more fun and therapeutic. A homeless man I always see asked me for a quarter and I automatically said "no". I didn't mean to say it and I surely could spare a quarter and I wanted to give him one, but I always feel in a hurry. I am so much more likely to give change if it's in my pocket instead of buried in my wallet inside a purse within my gym bag. I feel guilty and I should. I like that I do. Everyone should or else apathy takes over which leads to counter-progression and even violence down the line, I believe. I heard from a spiritual teacher that "peace starts with no thoughts in the mind" so that we may let go of emotions that cloud our inner goodness. I don't think I really believe people have innate goodness. Actually I was raised to believe the opposite, which makes more sense. We have to work at morality and peace or else we wouldn't need to stop our natural emotions and overcome selfishness. On a side note: I have a hard time improving myself effectively. Now I forget what else I had to say. I hate hearing people criticize each other so brutally. One thing I learned from the Bible and kept was that one should only judge oneself critically and not "thy neighbor" as it might say. Another side note: There's probably no story in the Bible I haven't heard. I don't know it all, of course, but I've heard (orally or visually) all the little events/parables/accounts/family trees big and small, significant and bizarre, holy and perverse. "Did she really write perverse?" Yes, I think there are many perversities/ perverse people in the Bible and examples of a contradicting, ruthless god. You should read it sometime. Scary, sad, useful, lyrical. No wonder Americans watch so much violence in entertainment. Anyhow, I digress. I was talking of people being hard on each other. We don't say enough good things. I observe a lot of this in my tumbling class. There are a few people who are encouraging and help you with improvements and overcoming fears, but then there are people who tell you only what you do wrong every single time in a demeaning way. They offer their advice freely without wanting to hear your input the same way. These people look outside themselves so much that they drive you far away. My father taught me the sandwich method of criticism that he uses a lot. Encouragement, Constructive Criticism and some More Positive Feedback following. More people should practice people skills like this. I work with many people at my job also, who turn their backs on raising morale and attitude around them. If I don't like the atmosphere, I should change my own to be an example. That is what I really believe, but it's not easy is it? Going against the flow. I see it all the time. One person radiates peace, acceptance, positive drive and they are wanted like cookies fresh from the oven. People miss them when they're gone and the opposite people are ignored or complained about constantly. Basically learn to look for something to like, something to inspire in others. Do what you want to see happening and motivate yourself because I know it spreads around. I am currently learning a lot about this and trying to practice it in new ways. It helps me, you, and others. I also heard recently some very good advice about attracting the right people. If you think, feel and know you are a 1, 5, or a 10 kind of person (speaking of a 1-10 scale of quality) you will magnetize the equivalent. Are you a 7, 9, 10? What does that look like, act like and how can you get there?
I hope this helps and spreads some positive mojo waves or whatever you like. It's been running through my thoughts lately.
Off that topic, I had a dream the economy got a hell of a lot worse and the city was flooding. Most people became homeless and we created "Neverwhere"-like communities on the seaside. We had small markets and ways of traveling on abandoned boats from place to place. I stayed with some Native Americans who were building nice adobe homes that let you sleep cozy under the open stars. Someone was trying to kill me for some dumb reason and so I left my remaining money at school in an open bag because I knew I'd get blown up sometime soon so I was going to be alone so I could let them do it sooner rather than later. There were constant earthquakes and college took place in a tall building downtown that was falling apart. The only thing is I never got blown up. Some guys shot at me, but I was like invincible or something so then I got real hungry because I left all my money at school which got blown up itself. Thankfully someone recovered it and I got my bag back, but by that time I was enjoying my new adventurous life on the go and I wasn't worried. For some reason I could play the guitar...mostly badly, but it was nice. I guess the bad economy is not the end of the world even if it came to a homeless society. I think we'd learn a good lesson about greed and excess. Yikes! I'd better get my ass going on this paper again. Later.
Current Location: SUB lab
Current Mood: ![[mood icon]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/mood/nolegs/content.gif) content
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March 26th, 2008
11:58 pm - Writer's Block: A Little Recognition, Please?
It's not a talent necessarily. I have compassion for people. It doesn't seem like much, but I don't feel like a talented person and it is rare to find, I think. I just wish some one else would see this in me.
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August 10th, 2007
01:40 pm - Old Thoughts of Last Year
The only time I was happy with my weight seems like ages ago now. I
think I was 95 to 105 lbs. Now I'm 138 or somewhere around there. Even
when I was 114 I was severely unhappy with myself. There are journal
entries I have where I wrote about how fat I felt even though people
used to think I was anorexic. I never was. There were many times when
I thought I might want to be. Last year I was heading towards the
bulimic path when I became so disgusted with my body that I felt I had
to gag after eating. I took ipecac to vomit when I thought I had been
bad. The food made me feel empty and I ate so much of it. Later it
became hard to swallow. I bought a book titled "When Food is Love." It
seemed to hit the mark for me. I only wanted people around me to show
their concern and affection. I wanted what I always have: attention.
Why is it so bad to want this? It is a hard life as they say and I
think sometimes that we choose to make it harder on ourselves by
choice. I didn't get the attention I thought I would, but I did get
some. Even with this my self-image didn't change. I wonder if it ever
has that much. There'll always be something that I hate about myself.
I just don't want to live with so much regret anymore. I'm tired of the
negative attitudes at home. It feels like a constant tugging downward
whenever I progress a little bit. I feel so deprived yet how can I
be? I have all I want or need, I suppose. If I was skinny again just
like I want to be, would I like myself more? Am I that shallow? Or
would I find something else to be disgusted with? Because I know that
what hate is mostly an internal element. I need love. I wish I loved
myself. I feel so unloved today. So much I could sit here and do
nothing till I forced tear drops out just to have some release. I need
help. Or that song that says "I need God, not some religion."
Current Location: Work
Current Mood: ![[mood icon]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/mood/nolegs/lonely.gif) blobby
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June 24th, 2007
08:37 pm - Yearning to Chuck Out the Burden
Why do I get this way? So jealous or maybe it's a backlash of feelings from being offended. How could she let this new guy take up all her time? I feel so guilty for not wanting to see her. I want to feel my pain alone so I don't have to hide it. I'm sick of hiding it. I thought I would have lost inches off my waist by now, but I seem bigger than before. The shame of working next to a personal trainer! It always seems like when something good happens life has to spit poison in my face and make it worth less. I don't want to have to depend on her! I wish I had other friends to go on trips with. Maybe someday she'd understand me when this happens. She never gets jealous of me and even though it's a good thing I wish she'd see me as an active popular person. I want her to treasure our time together and get excited to see me. Where are those strong wrenching feelings? I feel like an abnormal person. People make me feel like a circus attraction. I should have killed myself in high school. I had such dreams and hopes and passion! If I had only ended it there and not have to be worn down, compromising, disappointed again and again. Now I lack all the things that could have helped me save myself. Too much fear and doubt. I'm so hurt. You are hurt. There's too much to carry at once. How often I have trusted God in certain things that I now regret doing. I should have done things myself and lived my life more vibrantly. Leaving it to trust and faith seems so stupid now. No wonder I haven't accomplished anything. I've been waiting. All my life waiting for the right path. The right direction. A sign. Making up whatever I could along the way. Why must I live to see what I've become?! It's abusive! Is there a reason for it all? I used to think on higher callings and something better waiting around the corner, but why should I receive anything better? Do I deserve it more than the rest? Of course not. Am I only here to live out my term like a common person? A trudging peasant with a robotic life, for always? No, I don't have it truly bad. Not in the worldly picture of things. Just no purpose. No faith. Less trust. A shell of a person that once was. Not beautiful and not ugly. Uneven. Unbalanced. Heartbroken and cynical. Tired of the internal struggle and the constant fight of mankind. Selfish and compassionate at the same time. I need a mind vacation.
Current Mood: ![[mood icon]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/mood/nolegs/depressed.gif) pained
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April 17th, 2007
10:32 pm - sos
so tired. Was going to vent feelings, but now I don't know. Feeling very fat and unhealthy. Life defeats me. Overwhelmed. Need help.
Current Mood: ![[mood icon]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/mood/nolegs/tired.gif) tired
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February 26th, 2007
11:04 pm - Purifying Adversities
I felt that it was important to write now at 11:00 at night. Maybe it's because I had a bad day. First I did pretty bad on my first singing test for voice class and I wanted so much to be punished for my mistakes. It's in my nature to feel that I should suffer for every wrong thing. Then I watched a special on tv tonight. It was aboout Oprah's school for girls in South Africa. I felt so awful afterwards. It made my eyes mist with sorrow for the girls. I started to get an idea in my head about myself and others around me. I feel so unworthy compared to people like that. It made me think that maybe the world should only be made up of human beings who earn the right to be great. These girls have had to deal with unbelievable obstacles and did everything in their power to be able to educate themselves. They not only worked hard while practically starving to death, but they also had the most pure hearts you'd ever seen. They were like true angels on earth and I could only feel that everyone else not like them (especially me) should be wiped out of existence. Why do the rest of us unworthy creatures exist? So spoiled and pampered on our fluffy cushions. I'm not saying life is easy for me or anyone else(far from it), but compared to the rest of the world, it's a piece of cake. Some people have lived in hell on earth all their lives and I complain about having too much to handle with school, work, home, self-esteem, and ambitions. I just feel so dirty inside like I should be purified by misery and torture. The saying, "Life's not fair" is an understatement. Life is more than cruel. All I see for me and the people in my city are dead ends. We don't deserve the opportunity handed to us on a plate. It's disgusting how we take it for granted. One meal a week.... She only had one meal in a week. . . . . . .
Current Location: home
Current Mood: ![[mood icon]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/mood/nolegs/uncomfortable.gif) guilty
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February 16th, 2007
11:30 am
Yesterday was one of the most important days of my life, maybe. I directed the class through two skits. The first time with real equipment and everything! I told them if they weren't quiet I would have their ass! It was fun although the actors were pretty bad that day so it wasn't as good as "the View" with the gay guys. I played with the lighting and came on set to move the stage. I said "Okay, Everybody off!" and then proceeded to shove the stage at an angle to get a better shot. I loved being in command. I don't remember ever being so open with strangers before. At first I was eying the headset and sort of blocking anyone else from being near it and the my instructor told me to check if the camera people were set up so I was like ,"Oh, why I ....me??? (grab at headset and too eagerly snap it on)" I'm gonna work with some other students from the class to film a poetry thing in the SUB tonight. I hope I get to do more this semester and in the summer. Maybe I can do an internship or work-study or something while I take classes. There's not enough time for me anymore. Too much to do.
Current Location: on campus
Current Mood: accomplished
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December 20th, 2005
08:07 pm - This test is pretty accurate
Advanced Global Personality Test Results | Take Free Advanced Global Personality Testpersonality tests by similarminds.comStability results were moderately low which suggests you are worrying, insecure, emotional, and anxious. Orderliness results were medium which suggests you are moderately organized, hard working, and reliable while still remaining flexible, efficient, and fun. Extraversion results were medium which suggests you are moderately talkative, outgoing, sociable and interacting. trait snapshot: paranoid tendencies, irritable, anxious, fidgety, dependent, worrying, emotionally sensitive, prone to regret, depressed, second guesses self, somewhat fragile, dislikes change, prefers organized to unpredictable, suspicious, phobic, craves attention, not a risk taker, low self control, very sensitive to criticism, unadventurous, does not make friends easily, defensive, obsessive, low self esteem
Current Mood: ![[mood icon]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/mood/nolegs/gloomy.gif) hopeless
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March 31st, 2005
05:34 pm
You Are 21 Years Old |
21
Under 12: You are a kid at heart. You still have an optimistic life view - and you look at the world with awe.
13-19: You are a teenager at heart. You question authority and are still trying to find your place in this world.
20-29: You are a twentysomething at heart. You feel excited about what's to come... love, work, and new experiences.
30-39: You are a thirtysomething at heart. You've had a taste of success and true love, but you want more!
40+: You are a mature adult. You've been through most of the ups and downs of life already. Now you get to sit back and relax.
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This is sooo wierd. This quiz got my exact age right, but I actually think I'm alot younger at heart and a lot older sometimes. Like 4 and 60 at the same time.
Current Mood: ![[mood icon]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/mood/nolegs/amused.gif) amused
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September 15th, 2004
10:08 pm - Shadows
I think for most of my life I've been in someone else's shadow. I tell this to most people I know. There is almost always someone in my life who I am being compared to. They see that person when they see me. That someone is always seeming "better" somehow. I don't think people really see me when I'm with this person. I am just a shadow, a tag along, someone who has no purpose but to follow. I'm not seen for me. Either that or people don't like me for me. I feel like my ideas are never original, like I'm not creative enough because I'm constantly being showed up by this person. Why am I not good enough? Who am I really? Am I a shadow of them or am I a product of other people? Am I someone I don't know? Why do I always ask so many questions on this journal?
Current Mood: ![[mood icon]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/mood/nolegs/aggravated.gif) aggravated
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August 26th, 2004
09:41 pm
Do you look at the world in a different way? A different perspective? I was looking through my clear water bottle/jug/plastic unbreakable thing and saw the outside in a distorted wavy garbled sort of way. It looked beautiful and enchanting like another world. It looked happier somehow. I wanted to swim in it and drink it up (not just because it was my drinking water). Do you ever think the world would be better if it were distorted? Turned upside down and in turning this way would become something wonderful. I thought about this today as I usually think about things. The world is a messed up place and if we messed it up in a whole different way it might be a better world. Not that that is at all possible. People will never change their nature, but I can go on dreaming of my world in an unbreakable plastic jug.
Current Mood: dreamy
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August 23rd, 2004
06:50 pm - Change
I hate change. Yes I'm one of those clinging-to-the-past type of people who like their comfort zone. What really bothers me about it is that I can't seem to stop changing things for myself, like when I change jobs. I think I do that because I'm scared that I'm wasting time with what I'm doing and I want out right away or I guess it's the change of the new job that scares me into another one. Well, I'd better save that problem for another time or else I'd be writing forever. Back to the topic. I hate change. I try to stop it anyway I can. I miss the simple way I used to live as a child. I don't want to face who I am now. I don't like who I am now. I regret so many things at an early age. I don't want my friends to get any older and abandon me for some boyfriend or girlfriend that will someday soon be a spouse. Although some of my past or I should say a lot of my past was filled with guilt and clinging nightmares, it was also good and I think I was less confused then because I didn't know any better. Nowadays it seems I'm always being left behind my friends and family. Left behind as "the loser" who never had the courage to face the real world or whatever society expects me to do. I wish I could be with them in the haze that is supposed to be "the best times of our life." If this is as good as it gets the I think I'm screwed. Maybe I don't fit in the scheme of things, the way of the world. If it truly is survival of the fittest, I'm at the bottom of the food chain.
Current Mood: ![[mood icon]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/mood/nolegs/disappointed.gif) disappointed
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August 19th, 2004
08:09 pm - Greetings
This is my first entry. I'm not sure what to write. I guess there are so many things. First off who knows how many people will read this. I guess it doesn't matter. I'm not very good at writing, but I like it anyway. What led me here were the icons. One in particular. I asked the guy what it was but I don't think he ever answered back. To change the subject drastically I will now state the fact that I like quizzes. Here it is: I like quizzes. "Why?" you ask. I have a theory that quizzes are my way, or anyone for that matter, to see into themselves. A way of defining their personality. Trying to label themselves so life is somehow less confusing. Trying to make sense of it all. Sometimes I think I know myself and sometimes I think I'm a product of everything in my environment. Something thrown together, blended up, and spit out. Voila! Me.
Current Mood: ![[mood icon]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/mood/nolegs/thoughtful.gif) contemplative
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honour7's journal